Driving in the car, post run headed for food or something, I don't quite remember what...Here it comes..I'm emailing my coach back and forth, talking to my pacer, completely physically and mentally exhausted. Wanting to cry, but not feeling like I can...wanting Calgon to "take me away", an alien to abduct me from the next few days of running, or Scotty to "beam me up". I was going to implode because I knew no one was going to rescue me. I knew my exhaustion was my own damn fault.
I now had seemingly endless miles ahead of running, breathing hard, trying to find peace, panicking, walking, eating disgusting gels or choking down sport drink intermingled with brief periods of good meals and beautiful views and good company. I was struggling, and darn near wigging smooth out. We had ascended Hope pass, down the other side, back up and over back to twin lakes, 17 ish miles and 8,000 to 9,000 feet of climbing. We were headed to eat before starting a nighttime 12 mile run around turquoise lake. It was also raining. Im scared of the cold. I got to some pretty wicked levels of cold last year during the race, hence the planned nighttime run to dial in on what layers I would need.
So, Hope pass ascent. I hiked hard the whole way up, breathing hard, moving insanely slow and on the verge of blowing up. We got to the top and it was amazing. I will post pics as soon as I can. Down the backside toward Winfield felt good. Easy descending, easy breathing but sensing dread knowing I would have to turn around and go back up and experience the misery again.....wait a minute....I COULD TRYYYYY not to let it be miserable. I told my pacer..."I really want this to be a good day...I need a good day." He was FINALLY fairly tired himself, he had not fueled well going up hope and for a brief moment thought he had lost the car keys which wasted huge amounts of energy...Nothing like losing your keys in the middle of the Colorado rockies...odds of finding them? 0. Fortunately, he had them in a pocket. I wasn't the least bit worried about the keys, I was worried about the climb. So back up we went. I slowed my ass down and relaxed and actually enjoyed much of the ascent...I was so grateful. We got to the top and down we went, my legs a little jello-y, but still a pretty relaxed and easy 3 - 4 miles straight down hope. I was exhausted by the time we hit the cabin. We rested and off to dinner where I almost melted completely down.
We ate an awesome amount of food which energized me for a bit then settled into a serious desire to just go to sleep. I became almost deliriously tired. I couldn't think straight. Tried to leave the cabin for the night run without my pack. I had little sense at that point. 9:30 ish we hit turquoise lake. Big dinner still digesting. Within the first 0.8 miles I dry heaved several times. At exactly 0.8 miles, I told my pacer, "I'm done, I want to go to bed". "I can't do this". I then made the stupid comment, "Well maybe if I could just throw up, I'd feel better and be able to continue". I picked the wrong pacer...I was hoping for, "no, your done". I got, "that sounds good, I always feel better after I throw up". @#$%!. Okay, so on we went. Belly eased up and dinner stayed down. I kept it intentionally slow and easy and it paid off. I came back to life, and actually felt good. Felt like a nice shake-out kinda run...until about 6 miles when we turned around. The fatigue started kicking back in. I was trying to get more calories down, but dinner was still pretty heavy on my belly. I hydrated well. We moved slower going back, walking any kind of incline. It was fairly technical. I tripped quite a bit, but never fell. Each mile seemed like 2, but we got back to the car in pretty decent shape. Got in the car and every muscle screemed. I could barely get out of the car when we got to the cabin. Went to sleep at 2am, restless night, and up at 7...cabin too light to go back to sleep. So Tuesday's run would be 27 miles. I realized, hopefully not too late that I was killing myself unnecessarily. I was going at it too hard and not listening to my body well and making my runs easier. I can't tell you how much I dread 27 miles. In my minds eye it seems like 50. It's like some sort of time/distance warp where everything is magnified and I can't seem to put it in perspective. I am physically exhausted. Learn and grow...learn and grow...