Struggling a bit with my running these past 2-3 weeks. Back to back illnesses haven't helped. Theses past few runs, a little fear has crept in. "what if if the energy and desire don't come back?".  When I tried visualization, figuring out where i am and what makes me feel best, i started visualizing how it feels when running trails in the cold, feeling fast and strong, breathing hard but not struggling, just floating/flying over rocks and roots and leaves on an ever so slight downhill grade.  I stayed there a good while.  Then I thought about how I feel right now, like I'm 2/3 the way up hope pass. At 12,000 feet.  Working hard, struggling a bit, anxious that I might not make it to the top. Frustrated at how hard it feels, starting let let negative thoughts in, starting to fight knowing that I don't have enough fight in me to beat a mountain. To beat the fatigue into submission. To beat whatever it is I haven't quite identified. It's that point where I'm almost ready to give up and I visualize what it's gonna feel like to come up over the other side.  That little glimmer that keeps me working, letting go of that strong desire to quit because I can't fight through it. I actually physically experienced it a little this morning.  I was dreading the 20 min interval that was planned mid run.  I was to warm up, run 20 minutes at a pretty darn tough pace on a good day and then cool down. I remembered how I felt all week trying to run.  I had a hard time getting warmed up. Got to the track because I knew it would be easier to run faster on flat no brainer track.  I was worried i wouldn't be able to do it, that i couldn't hold the pace.  I started out that 20 minute interval fighting.  Fighting my way through.  After about 3/4 mile i just stopped in my tracks and let out a pitiful whimper. "I quit" i thought.  "i can't do this". "I don't like this"  For a split second I didn't think there was another option....I either had to quit or fight.  Then I realized there was another option. Embrace it. Let go and run, let go and run.  Embrace how I felt and let it be ok. It all happened in less than 15 seconds.  I finished out that interval and did it on pace (although I don't think it would have mattered if I hadn't). And I even maybe enjoyed it...maybe.  I didn't realize what I did, but maybe I do now. It didn't make sense then, I just knew I stopped and started again. It happened so fast and i didnt get what happened till just now.  Embrace it, mold it and shape it into something beautiful.   And people ask me why I run.

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